On Earth date October 18th 2014, I attended a human gathering known as the “SF Craft Beer Festival, Fall Harvest.” They must have problems with enemy attackers because they host the event on a military base known as Fort Mason. However, there were no problems while I was there. So many of California’s great craft brewers were there. NOTE: The bigger the beard of the brewer the better the beer. Everyone from Stones to Speakeasy was there. Even Lost Coast showed up, I’m glad they were able to find their way.

With entry fee you get a glass and the authority to try everyone’s beer. After sampling all the beers I have to say the company “101 North Brewing co.” stood out the most to me. They had an American red rye ale called “Stigmata” that had a malt-forward taste and a hint of strawberry that really rounded out the flavor. They also had an IPA called “Heroine” which I could not get enough of. Even though most IPA’s are very hoppy, this IPA had a very well balanced taste.

I walk out of the building and I notice that my teleporter was on and functioning. Feelings of relief fell over me because I did not want to travel on the Bay Area Rapid Transit again. With all those humans in a close space, the smell can get horrendous. Little did I know I was going to learn a whole new meaning of the word horrendous.

I entered the coordinates to Concord into the teleporter and engaged the device but it malfunctioned. Instead of bringing me to Concord it sent me flying through hyperspace. I hope no one else goes through what happened to me. It felt like my body was being ripped apart into hundreds of pieces while moving through a small pipe at the speed of light. The horrors of what I saw would have destroyed my mind if I didn’t have my Beer Goggles on.

I came out of hyperspace and materialize exactly where I wanted to land. Only problem was two riktogs (approx three Earth months) had passed. That Hopsapion sold me bad tech and put me through the worse experience of my life. I will be sending orders to an Action Agent to have him eliminated after I finish this report. Even with the mixture of dizziness and blind rage for that Zortknob* Hopsapion, the pangs of hunger overshadowed it all. That’s when a wonderful smell coming from the human establishment “The Pig and the Pickle” took over my sense of smell.

I walked in and almost immediately drool started pouring out my ears**. Apparently, every third Thursday of the month the Chef presents a tasting menu. A tasting menu is a way for human Chefs to show off their culinary skills. It becomes more art than dinner at that point which makes the experience even more enjoyable. Honestly though, I was so hungry I would have eaten from the garbage but I was thrilled to get a chance to try this delectable food.

I told the Taptender to just start bringing me out food, ANYTHING will do. I started telling him about my experience and how angry I was about the teleporter and the Hopsapion. He then suggested one of the tap house’s staple beers, “Golden State of Mind.” This beer was made with no hops. “We had a recipe that called for less hops,” reports Taptender Justin, “and one day we wondered what would happen if we didn’t add any at all.” As an alternative, they add chamomile and coriander which gives the beer a mellow refreshing taste. They also have a twin beer called “Cherry Kush” which is exactly the same but with cherry juice. I was told that some people like to mix the two into what they call the Arnold Palmer of beer. Don’t know who that is but he must a famous drink mogul.

After a few minutes, and a few beers, the Chef brought out an appetizer, Tatchos. Tatchos are like normal human tatter tots except these are mine and not chos. It was a big piled of melted cheese, crispy tater tots and of course bacon. What a great way to start a meal. Next I had a sandwich like I have never seen on earth. They call it a “Bánh mi torta.” It was a fusion of two different human culinary styles, Mexican and Vietnamese. Usually, Bánh mi sandwiches use a harder bread rolled from France but in this sandwich the Chef uses the softer bread style of the Mexicans. They fill it with pork that has been pulled apart, carrots, greens, and topped with a chipotle aioli sauce. NOTE: This may have been the best sandwich I have eaten on Earth.

As you know, humans enjoy a post meal snack known as “dessert,” and because of how hungry I was, I decided to take part in that ritual. The Chef brought me his spin on the Earthling treat Cinnamon Bun. It was like no bun of cinnamon I have ever seen. First of all, the roll itself was huge with a dense consistency. Then you add in the sweetness of the cinnamon, cream cheese frosting and hot chocolate sauce. The Chef finally finishes it off by putting pieces of pork belly around the plate which adds another layer of salty chewy meat. Every bite was a mixture of emotions over my tongue. One could almost have a whole meal just from this plate.

After a meal like that, I had to find out more about who this genius chef was. Chef James Kosklniemi started his cooking career at the age of 6 when he won a cooking contest. Years later, he graduates from CCA top of his class. He then traveled to different Earth sectors, such as Spain, France and Sweden, to learning different culinary skills. And unlike most humans they care about their planet. “We try to do everything all natural and organic,” The Chef explains, “even our to-go containers are sustainable. We are also working on putting in a roof top garden so that we have all our own vegetables all year round.”

Going to the Pig and the Pickle helped me forget about the horrid experience I went through. They say that human cuisine can be comforting and I have to agree with them. If the Chef does this once a month you can count on me being there, but next time I’ll just walk.

*Note from the editor: I do not feel comfortable translating this into English

**Note from editor: This is completely normal for Beer Aliens who are really hungry and smell good food.  

 


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